Homeland

I hear it in bird song.

I feel it in rain.

I breathe it in winter.

I can’t hear it again.

 

There’s a peculiar feeling

Of silence and stillness

That I grasp for,

Without success.

 

There’s a feeling of solitude

Without pain, or fear.

A feeling of peace,

Knowing something holds you dear.

 

There’s something I find

Pressed up into you,

In the protection of your arms.

A feeling of something true.

 

When my eyes are closed,

And I’m about to fall asleep–

I grasp that stillness,

And feel my heart leap.

 

I found you, through pain and glory.

I found you, and it hurts,

But that is only payment

For knowing I won’t suffer more broken hearts.

 

I will stay with you,

In my broken homeland

Of roses, thorns, and words.

I will stay, because you understand.

 

You understand me when I can’t

Bear to be touched again.

You understand when I joke and laugh,

But there is something wrong right then.

 

You understand me, and you love me–

Even when I try, and fail.

You even understand when I

Don’t try, and reward me when I prevail.

 

Thank you for providing me

A place where I can be sane.

Where I can relax, and breathe for once,

Instead of surviving through the pain.

 

I know I complain, and I know I cling–

So, thank you for listening

When I’m losing myself.

Thank you for loving.

So Easy to Love

After all this time,

I’m still in love.

Several months.

Near-breakups.

Fights.

Mistakes, on both sides.

It hurts.

It hurts, but it doesn’t.

The pain–fades.

It’s easy, when you’ve

Figured out

How not to care.

How to let the memories

Fade

And be okay alone.

Be okay alone, when the one you

Love

Is with another.

 

It’s easy to love,

When you pretend

You no longer care.

I Won’t Settle for Less

You are mine, not another’s.

That laugh of yours?

Heard only

By me.

That smile?

Brought on by me–

If you know what’s good for you.

 

Every time you

Pull out your phone,

Drop time with me for her–

It hurts me, and then

It ceases to hurt.

 

Calluses form where

I had once cared.

Calluses that block out the pain,

But also the need

For you.

 

She has you, at least as much

As I do.

I want it all, though.

I want what I had

Back.

 

I want you.

You say I have you,

But I know it’s a lie.

I want every beat of your heart,

And I won’t settle for less.

 

I’m tired of feeling

Like I’m second best,

Second place,

Second in your heart.

I’m tired of you

Pulling away

To go to her.

I’m tired

Of every game we play

Including her.

I’m tired

Of every conversation

We have

Including her.

I’m tired.

 

I’m tired of being tired.

 

I want to feel

Loved.

And I won’t settle for less.

Without A Word

Without a word,

I’ll run from you–

And leave you wondering

Why.

Why would I choose

To run

When you (say)

You try so hard.

Why would I run?

Why would I run

When you (seem to)

Work so hard?

As hard as you work,

As much as you try,

It doesn’t

Keep me

From running.

You hurt me.

You push me away,

Choose another,

And expect

Me

To stay.

I Believed

I believed in love.

I believe in truth.

I believe in equality.

I believe in hope.

I believe in knowledge.

I believe in a light at the end of a tunnel.

I believe in a reward.

I believe in happiness.

 

Then….

Then, I grew up.

I suffered. I cried.

I wept.

I grew.

I smiled again.

I tried, I tried–

I tried to believe

In love, in anything.

In anything at all,

But the pain

Of knowing

I was alone,

When I had believed

To be loved

Hurt more

Than anything else.

 

I believed

In the goodness

Of mankind.

Now, as I grow,

All I am left

To believe in

Is myself.

 

I believe

In myself.

A Long Dark Night

It’s dark tonight.

Usually is, when I’m

Around you.

No, wait;

That was harsh,

Wasn’t it?

Well….I suppose

It’s about as harsh

As when you leave me

To do other things.

You never seem

To stick to the plans

You make with me.

You know, I wish

I could say these things.

There are many, many

Things I could say.

Things like:

“You’re forgiven.”

“You fool.”

“You seriously believed

“I meant it when I said

“It would be okay?”

So many words

That hide at the back

Of my throat–

Terrified

To be spoke.

I know they

Would wound–

Either him,

Or I.

Which one of us?

Beside the point.

I’m tired of pretending

That I’m willing to choose

Your joy

Over mine

Anymore.

It’s been far

Too many

Long dark nights

For me

To still

Care.

Bitter-Sweet Reality

I keep working on dreaming,

On happiness.

Something doesn’t feel right, but

I suppose that’s natural.

I try and remember

Days when I was happier, when I was okay.

But, are they different at all for now?

It doesn’t feel the same, somehow.

It feels like I’m missing something,

But what could I be missing

When I think I have everything?

I have love, I have peace.

I have joy, and I have rest.

I have my thoughts, and my ability to dream.

So, what could I be missing?

What could I do

To improve my life?

Is there anything

That can be done?

Surrounded By Books

Surrounded by books–

The smell of pages and dreams

Drifting through the air;

Breathing quietly,

It feels so serene

To know there’s so many

Hearts

Beating around me.

Hearts filled with courage and grief,

With love and pain–

Eyes that traverse

Time and space,

Just to look

Right back at me.

I can feel no pain here,

Surrounded by books.

They defend me from

War and grief,

And they always

Soothe me

Even as they

Isolate me.

I am happiest here,

In silence and love.

Here, there are people.

Old friends, and new friends–

The children of writers

And daydreamers.

Good Old Love

It’s hard. I can’t say

I enjoy it–

Waking up early

To make you breakfast.

Going to bed

Late

So we can game.

I can’t say

I’m used to it–

The small fights,

Disagreements.

I can’t say

I’m good at it–

Staying loyal,

Trying to impress.

I can’t say

I’m good at it,

But I still

Want to try.

I want to try.

I Have No Reasons

I’m silent now. I suppose

It would always have ended up

This exact same way–

But I can’t explain

Why I wished so hard for it

To be different.

I knew that I would end up alone.

(But I’m not alone–

(So why do I feel this way?)

I knew I would end up hurt.

However, I never–

I never expected it

To hurt just like this.

I expected the same pain

I had always known–

But not the pain

Of feeling like

I never felt at all.

 

I ended up somewhere,

Drifting out of place and time.

I try my best

To breathe–

Trying to latch on,

But feeling like it’s a crime

To feel unneeded, unnecessary, unloved;

Well, if it’s a crime:

Then I’m a criminal.