Hello, hello, hello beautiful stranger….

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How familiar the danger….

Step into the shadows…..

Sorry. I’ve been listening to The Devil’s Carnival sound track a lot. I’m totally stuck on that song….

Anyways. Dear lord, it’s been a while!

I wanted to say hello to all of you again, and tell you that I am alive. I’m very sorry I randomly disappeared on you. In fact, I might even be coming back here in the new year–seeing as I do have a new website, but not one I want to flood with all my personal thoughts….

Here it is: http://annashadowlight.wix.com/thehalfmadwriter

Happy New Year, all of you wonderful people.

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So, It Has Been a While….

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How do I even begin to catch you up? How do I even try?At what level to I begin to unwind the secrets, redo all of the things I should have done? How do I tell you I’m okay, even though things have fallen apart?

I’ll begin with simplicity, I suppose. I’ll leave the nuances for later.

A very close family friend passed away. Her funeral was Sunday. I won’t go too in-depth here, as I must have respect for the dead–and those still alive.

I’m back in school. It’s my grade twelve year–dear god, one more year until I….Until I leave this place. A scary thought, to realize this is my last year of true freedom before things change.

Before I have to grow up.

I’m not ready to grow up.

Anyways, I’m addicted to this MMOFPS/TPS called Firefall. I am known as Scripturient, and I’m a level 23 Recluse, level 26 Biotech, and a level 13/14 Assault. (In Firefall, you can change classes (also known as frames) any time you want, but you have to level up each frame independently.) If you want to play with me, shoot me a message, add me to a squad, or just shoot me a message in chat. I’ll respond if I’m online.

I’m re-reading The Second Apocalypse series, namely rereading the Aspect-Emperor trilogy’s first two books, as I’m not quite certain I ever finished the second book. I am in love with R. Scott Bakker’s writing, and I always will be. The first trilogy, The Prince of Nothing, was one of the most re-read things I ever owned. (In fact, I’m pretty certain I have read The Darkness that Comes Before more than ten times).

I haven’t been writing very much at all, even though I do plan to do National Novel Writing Month this November. I do really want to rewrite and complete my novel Candy-Sweet Faces, so I’ll probably do THAT this year. I will also have to come up with a new title for it.

I’m bad at titles.

Anyways, what else has been going on with me? Where do I start? How do I phrase it?

I don’t know.

I guess I’ll start…writing a poem, then.

I love you.

HER: Chapter Two–Loss

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–Jamie’s POV–

I wept, frozen there, Her surrounding me, laughing in my ear, watching me. She torments me with Her voice, Her touch, Her laugh. I can’t control this…! I can’t escape from Her….I try to force myself to move, to run, to escape. But I can’t leave Her.

Soft hair brushes against my cheek when She leans against me, breathing softly, Her body cold as night. “Leave me….”I beg. “Let me go….”

She laughs, whispering, “Never….I told you we were forever….”

I trembled, and finally escape from Her, bolting away. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I cry, bolting away, howling. Families turn to me, startled into silence, thinking me mad as I sprint towards them, among them, away from them. I give them no glances, just keep running right on through.

And I feel Her come after me, hear their gasps and cries as they sense Her move among them, through them, changing them and freezing them cold.

I just keep running.

But I can’t escape Her.

I never can.

She waits until I reach the privacy of the outskirts of the park to come to me, resting Her hand upon my shoulder, whispering in my ear. “You know you won’t ever escape me, lover….You killed me….”

“I never was your lover….Logan was! Why must you torture me so…?”

“Because it was always you I wanted….” She murmurs into my ear, pressing up against me again. I shiver at the cold of Her, but I warm at Her touch. Why must She do this to me…? How can She control me so?

I break away from Her again.

I hear Her laugh behind me: “You may run from me, Jamie dear. I will go and visit Logan….”

I halt in my tracks, and yell, “No! Stay with me!”

Better me than him….

She laughs, but it fades into silence, and I no longer smell Her sweet scent, no longer sense Her nearby.

I fall to my knees, and pray.

–Logan’s POV–

How could I leave him behind?

I punch a wall, pulling my fist away and eyeing the blood. My eyes darken–why wasn’t I bleeding more? I had left him behind! Jamie….My best friend! I had abandoned him to torture, to hell! Only because I wasn’t strong enough to face the torture I was putting him through….The torture I caused! If it wasn’t for me being a cold bastard who can never love….If it wasn’t for me being drunk that night, I never would have gotten mad at Her, never would have followed Her up the stairs, never would have pushed Her from the balcony….

And then I feel Her.

Sense Her near me.

I smell Her skin, Her hair, and I feel Her hand on my shoulder. I tremble, filled with guilt and fear. Let the torture begin….I deserve this.

I feel Her press up against my back, and I hear Her voice, hauntingly familiar, in my ear: “Hello, Logan….”

I scream.

She only laughs, and I feel Her slip around me, stand in front of me, sling Her arms around my neck.

“I love you,” She whispers, before She kisses me, “And I won’t ever leave you….”

I shudder, but I kiss Her back. “I’m sorry for what I did to you….”

She pulls back, and even though I can’t see Her I sense Her smile. “Don’t be, love. I don’t blame you….I just want to be with you….”

I gently push Her away, my hands freezing. I walk to the window, and gaze out. I feel Her touch my shoulder gently, but I don’t turn to face Her. “I lost you…” I whisper, watching the world go by. My hand drips blood onto the wooden floor, and I lower my forehead to the glass so I can watch the blood fall.

I sigh, and I don’t speak again.

She doesn’t touch me.

Instead, I sense Her step away from me, and feel Her eyes focus on me. She doesn’t say a word.

But, then, I feel Her slowly fade away, Her voice murmuring as if from a million miles away: “You never lost me….I won’t ever leave you.”

And then, in an instant, She is gone.

I fall to my knees, but whether in relief or grief I do not know.

I cover my face with my hands, and burst into sobs.

“I love you….” I whisper.

I felt so weak, so cold. My eyes stayed locked open, even though the tears fell fast and hard, like rain. Like blood-red rain on the purest white snow. I gasped and groaned, fighting to breathe, but I couldn’t halt the unending flow of tears. Why did I feel so weak? It was just….It was just Her.

All the things we had done, all the memories, everything ran to my mind. I felt the memories consume me, flood me, horrific desire and tempting pain.

Oh god…..Oh god….

But a part of me knew—oh, how it knew!—that God had nothing to do with this. That He was not responsible for the love, for the desire, for the insane mad lust, that flowed within my veins whenever She was near. My Goddess. My false, fallen, broken, shattered, beautifulGoddess. Who I had adored, worshiped, loved, needed, craved….

Craved, and killed.

I thought back to when we had first met—the playground, grade five. Jamie had been climbing the tree, and he had spotted Her, higher than he could ever have even attempted to reach. She was small, dressed in long socks and black shorts, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles adorning Her skinny, skinny torso. He yelped in surprise at seeing her, and fell down, down, down….

And what was I supposed to do? I fell with him, reaching out in an attempt to catch him. We lost sight of Her in the scuffle that followed, and we didn’t see Her again for a long time.

But we spoke of Her enough to make it seem that She was always with us. We were obsessed with Her, and we did not know why we were.

I closed my eyes again, trying to force away the memories, but I knew it was useless. I knew it was hopeless.

She was with me, until the day I died….

And maybe even beyond.

–Her POV—

Such foolish boys! I laugh, staring at the images of them in wonder. Poor Logan, lost his mind, his body flooded with my memory—sex the only thing on his mind. And poor Jamie—what life could he have with me constantly so close?

Oh how delightful this was! Oh how easy they were to torture….A quick kiss on their cheek to send their heartbeats racing, a quick run kiss on the neck to make them beg….

And tada. They were mine. Driven mad by desire.

It was almost pathetically easy, but I delighted in it. I knew it was time to stop the games, and move them into checkmate. I had been toying with Jamie for so long now….

It was time to give the others a turn.

I’m Making a Choice: Introduction to the Camming Days

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My dearest loves, I’ve chosen to share with you one of the darkest times of my life: The years from fourteen to sixteen. Those were the years I spent stripping online. However, seeing as this will involve mature content, I’ve chosen to create another blog that will act as my place for mature/sexual topics.

(Note: I’m seventeen, and will be creating an 18+ blog. Am I the only one laughing a bit?)

Seeing as not everyone will WANT to head over to the 18+ blog, I’ll just make sure everyone knows that reading it will NOT be necessary to follow the posts I write here. In fact, the only real relationship the two blogs will have is that they will OCCASIONALLY reference each other.

As I said on Half-Mad Submissive’s Musings, the blog is by no means the work of an expert; meant to offend; or to be hated upon. It is simply the dirtier part of my brain, and nothing more.

Honestly, I’m not sure entirely WHY I’m sharing all of this with you. It will be painful for me to relay some of the stories, and I don’t expect/desire views and comments. It’s just something for me to do to fill up the time, and maybe to keep as a record of my life.

Also, seeing as there’s a chance people who know me in real life will see this post, do whatever you desire.

Just don’t make any trouble for me, please; I’m unashamed of my past, and I would request that my past is not used to judge me today. I know I made mistakes.

I screwed up, in thousands of ways. I know this.

Do not make me regret my honesty.

In Defense of Simplicity

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Without a greater reason,

There lie those

Who try to sleep.

They pull away,

React

With emotions–

Simply because

They’ve learned it’s useless

To fight.

They know that,

Unless they scream,

Not a soul

Will listen.

Despite their protests–

Both loud,

And silent–

They know

They will grow

Tired of reacting,

Tired of caring.

They know

They will cease

To exist inside–

As that is how

They are treated

Outside.

Break Up With Me If You Think I’m Unreasonable

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I’ve been patient.

I’ve been calm.

I’ve understood.

I’ve defended you to my parents.

I’ve watched over you.

I’ve watched anime with you.

I’ve let you spend time with her.

I’ve let you emotionally control me, abuse me.

I’ve let you think

That throwing money at me

Will make me okay again.

I’ve let you call me clingy.

I’ve let you leave me alone.

I’ve let you hurt me.

 

But now that time is done.

If you want me,

Come and get me.

If you want me,

Give me a reason to let you

Ever touch me

Again.

If you love me,

If you want me,

Show me some freakin’ proof.

Choose me for once.

Choose me, your GIRLFRIEND,

For once.

 

Put away your friends.

Come up with some ideas.

Spend time with me–

And don’t act like it’s a chore.

Stop making me compete.

Stop making me hurt.

 

Stop making me love you,

When it’s getting to be clear

You don’t care

Anymore.